Heard in the Cheap Seats

In the spirit of April Fools (is there such a thing as the spirit of April Fools?), I wanted to have a little fun.  I don’t want to write a bunch of fake stories and throw a good old April Fools joke in at the end.  I thought I would throw together a few recent sports headlines that actually happened.  However, because it is April Fools, these are headlines that would normally seem like they were an April Fools joke and then became real.  I will also throw together some fun April Fools headlines that aren’t real.  I probably won’t stick to just Philly sports, but who knows where my mind will lead me.  So, first the real events that prior to them happening, would have made perfectly good April Fools jokes…

-          Brian Dawkins Signs With Denver Broncos

-          Brett Myers works a 9 pitch walk from C.C. Sabathia and draws a standing ovation

-          World Ph#$#ing Champions!!!

-          McNabb is benched at Halftime

-          World Series clinching game takes 4 days to play

-          Billy King is hired as an analyst for NBA TV

-          Marty Biron “stands on his head”

-          Eagles go with defensive tackle as #1 FB

-          Hank Baskett bags a Playmate

-          Eagles fans want Kolb instead of McNabb (Note: Not all of them, but seriously?)

-          After hitting a huge pinch hit home run in the NLCS Matt Stairs says, “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done.”

-          Willie Green is a starting 2 guard in the NBA (sorry, couldn’t help it)

-          Tony DiLeo is Sixers new head coach

-          Jimmy Rollins is DH behind Derek Jeter for Team U.S.A.

-          Terrell Owens is in Buffalo

-          Jay Cutler wants out of Denver

-          Alex Rodriguez took steroids (Wait, nevermind, we all knew that)

-          Isaiah Thomas may be hired by Clippers

-          Arizona Cardinals play in a Super Bowl

Ok, I ran out of ideas on that, so maybe some people out there have some good ones to add.  Now, we are moving on to headlines that are truly for April Fools…

-          Eagles wide receiver leads the league in TD receptions

-          Eagles run/pass ratio is 54/46

-          Andy Reid is on the cover of Men’s Health magazine

-          Donovan McNabb demands a trade to Buffalo to be reunited with T.O.

-          Just to “shake things up”  Andy Reid switches defensive line to OL and vice versa

-          In order to build up the public support for himself, Kevin Kolb starts showing up around town with Heather Mitts

-          Eagles retire Koy Detmer’s neck beard

-          It is revealed that all this time Joe Banner was under the impression that the team would be fined $1 million dollars for any player over 34 on the roster

-          McNabb is diagnosed with a nasty case of IBS that takes about 3 hours after a meal for the symptoms to occur.  We then find out that he has a huge meal just prior to kickoff.

-          Andy Reid admits he had a “man crush” on Greg Lewis

-          Eagles fans ranked the classiest in the NFL by major national media outlets

-          A story is actually done about Philly fans that doesn’t mention booing Santa Clause

-          Charlie Manuel is voted “Interview of The Year”

-          Brett Myers reveals, “I pitch better when I’m drunk.”

-          Ryan Howard wins a Gold Glove

-          Jamie Moyer throws a fastball that hits 85 on the radar gun and is immediately tested for steroids

-          Sixers are a 3 point shooting machine

-          Thaddeus Young admits that he is really Shannon Sharpe

-          Aaron Mckie shares his secrets on the proper way to paint on a beard

-          Samuel Dalembert finally “gets it”

-          Reggie Evans doesn’t infuriate me

-          Sixers realize that Marreese Speights should play more than 8 minutes

-          Standing room only for all Sixers games at the Wachovia Center

-          Ed Snider admits that he hates basketball and actually forgot he owns the team

-          Reggie Evans and Bob Salmi are spotted in Fairmount Park…Holding each others hands, and their lunch pails

-          Prior to a playoff series Cleveland coach Mike Brown is asked what worries him about a match up with the Sixers, and he says, “We have to get a hand in the face of their shooters, especially Iguodala, and the low post presence of Dalembert is something we have to stop.”

-          Paul Holmgren trades Jeff Carter, Simon Gagne, and Claude Giroux, and explains it by saying, “We need more tough guys.  That’s what wins in today’s NHL.  If I could have 20 Riley Cote’s on my team, I would.”

-          Eric Lindros and Bobby Clarke are seen vacationing in Ocean City together

-          John Stevens and Paul Holmgren decide to eliminate all goalies from the roster

-          Holmgren says trading Upshall for Carcillo happened because he lost a side bet in a hand of poker

-          John Calipari hires John Chaney as his assistant at Kentucky

-          Kobe Bryant is voted Teammate of the Year

-          Greg Oden’s birth certificate is found and shows he was actually born in 1957

-          Sam Cassell is a martian!

-          Dick Vitale says something negative about Duke or North Carolina

-          Jay Bilas states that his favorite player of all time was Gumby due to his “infinite length”

-          A real National Champion is decided in college football

Honestly, I could go on and on, but I won’t.  Maybe some people out there have some great ones to add.  I have a ton, but it would become never ending.  Please add any funny April Fools headlines, either real ones or fake to the comments if you have any.  Happy April Fools!